Party! Patio! Read online

Party! Patio!

  Andy Boring

  Party! Patio! copyright © 2014 by Andy Boring. All rights reserved.

  Also By Andy Boring

  Dick Swap

  After months of being away, Keith came back. Kevin stood on the balcony of his luxurious penthouse. He stared off into the distance.

  “I’m back!” Keith announced.

  “Oh, hi, Keith,” Kevin said. “Welcome back.”

  “You look sad.”

  “I was just thinking.”

  “Mind if I throw my stuff inside?” Keith held up a backpack that looked liked something a poor person would own.

  Kevin shrugged.

  Keith went inside and came back out, this time without the backpack.

  He looked alarmed.

  “What happened to Joan?” he asked.

  Kevin did not answer him.

  “I’ve been thinking about Wild Times,” Kevin said.

  “Dude, Joan is collapsed on the kitchen floor. She might be dead.”

  “I was driving by there the other day and I noticed they’d added a party patio. Probably because it’s getting warmer and no one is allowed to smoke inside.”

  “Aren’t you worried about Joan?”

  “Think about it, Keith. You came back. We should go to Wild Times and pound a few. Just like old times. Except it’ll be better because we can do it outside on the patio. We can even smoke.”

  “But, Kevin, you don’t smoke.”

  “I’ll buy a pack on the way. We’ll both smoke. Otherwise it’ll feel like we’re missing out on something.”

  “I’m kind of hungry.”

  “First we’ll go to Applebee’s.”

  Kevin rifled through Joan’s purse until he came up with some money and they left.

  They went to Applebee’s. Keith asked Kevin if he could help him out. Kevin rolled his eyes and agreed and said, “Still poor, I guess.”

  “I lost my job. I lost my house. I lost everything.”

  “Whatever. I’ll pay for everything tonight. We’ll have a great time. I really need to cut loose.” Kevin looked at a TV while he talked.

  The waitress came by and Keith ordered a lavish meal. Kevin ordered a hamburger patty – no bun or toppings – and fries. They drank big glasses of beer. When the food came, Kevin threw half of his French fries on the floor and said he was afraid he was getting fat. He was. He’d gained a lot of weight since Keith had left, which wasn’t really that long ago.

  A little while later they had to leave because the manager asked them to. Kevin had been making rude sexual comments to the waitress all night. They didn’t pay the check and Kevin grabbed a chair and threw it into the parking lot.

  Keith wanted to hit Kevin but he also needed a place to stay and someone to pay for things so he didn’t.

  They went to Wild Times.

  On the way, they stopped at a carryout to buy a pack of cigarettes. Kevin handed the pack to Keith and he packed them on the heel of his hand. Kevin told him to stop acting like white trash, grabbed the pack of cigarettes, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it. He went back into the carryout, bought another pack of cigarettes, and put it in the pocket of his khakis.

  They stormed into Wild Times. It was virtually empty.

  “I bet everyone’s out on the party patio!” Kevin said really loud.

  They ordered a pitcher of beer and went out to the patio. There were five or six people out there, smoking and staring into the dim parking lot. There was a strip mall across the parking lot but all of those stores were closed.

  Kevin had a frenzied look in his eyes. He savagely ripped open the pack of cigarettes and stuck one in his mouth.

  He threw out his hands and said, “No lighter.”

  He approached a man clutching a rail and said, “Hey, buddy, can I buy that lighter from you?”

  “I’ll give you a light,” the man said. “You don’t have to buy it from me.”

  Kevin held out a twenty-dollar bill. “Is twenty dollars enough?”

  The man shrugged and handed his lighter to Kevin. Kevin had no concept of money.

  Keith and Kevin drank through two pitchers of beer. The man who had sold Kevin the lighter kept coming over and asking for a light. Kevin acted really put out every time he did this. Eventually, the man stopped wandering away and sat at the table with Keith and Kevin. He didn’t drink or say anything. He sat in the chair and smoked and stared out at the parking lot. After the second pitcher, Kevin got up and vomited over the rail into the parking lot. Keith was going to suggest that they go but a member of security was already informing Kevin that he needed to call a cab or have his friend take him home.

  They pulled up to the building and Keith said, “I’ll need to stay with you tonight.”

  Kevin said something but Keith couldn’t understand what it was.

  When they got up to the penthouse, Joan was still on the kitchen floor. Keith couldn’t be entirely sure, but he thought maybe there was an odor in the apartment.

  Kevin went into the bathroom and stayed there.

  Keith slept on the couch and had to urinate in the kitchen sink once. He also urinated off the balcony.

  The next morning Kevin woke him up and said he thought, if they hurried, they could catch brunch at Applebee’s.

  They left Joan on the kitchen floor.

  Applebee’s had stopped serving brunch. Kevin had a crying jag and ordered a pitcher of beer.

  Keith helped himself to the beer. Kevin looked at him and said, “This isn’t a free ride. I’m tired of being your sugar daddy.”

  Keith stopped pouring and dumped the half-filled glass of beer back into the pitcher.

  “I’m sorry I don’t have a job, Kevin. I had to quit everything to go look for my penis that you lost.”

  “Yeah, well, I got married. Remember? I’ve been busy going to my job and working my ass off. All I want to do is go to Applebee’s and then Wild Times and blow off some steam. When I found out Wild Times was constructing a party patio for the enjoyment of their guests I got ... really excited. It made me feel so free. It felt like something I’d been waiting for for a really long time. Do you know what a party patio is, Keith? It means the walls have been removed. You can smoke if you want to. There’s more room to move around and stuff. My dancing will not feel so restrained. And then you come back and put a big, poor wet blanket over everything. I have money. That’s not the problem. I could pay for both of us to live in the luxurious penthouse really easily. It has three bedrooms. Four if you count the balcony. But I don’t see how you can just expect me to give everything to you. We’re not even romantically involved. Neither one of us is gay even though I’m married to Joan and she has a penis, it doesn’t make me a fag. I just wish you would stop coming around and expecting me to do everything for you At least offer to pay. That’s all I’m asking.”

  Kevin poured Keith a beer and slid the glass over to him.

  “Thanks,” Keith said. “I never found it.”

  “What?”

  “I never found my penis.”

  “Where’s our waitress?” Kevin snapped his fingers and looked frantically around the restaurant.

  No one came.

  Kevin carved something racist into the tabletop with his keys and they left.

  They went to Wild Times after Applebee’s. Keith drove Kevin’s car, like always. It was too early in the day and Wild Times was closed. This sent Kevin on another crying jag when they got back into the car. Keith tried to comfort Kevin but nothing seemed to work. He turned the radio on and tried to find Kevin’s favorite song, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” but he couldn’t do it. They ended up driving to a carryout and getting a twelve-pack of beer. They drank it in the parking lot of Wild Times while waiting for it
to open.

  They got to their fourth beers and Kevin was still a little teary-eyed but seemed to be acting more like his old self. He wiped some tears away, focused on Wild Times, and said, “This is pointless.”

  “I know, bro, we should have just taken this stuff home with us. Now I’m going to have to drive home after we drink it all. That’s going to be really challenging.”

  “Why are we sitting in this stupid parking lot when they have a party patio?”

  “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean. If Wild Times is closed, so is the party patio.”

  But Kevin was already on the move, grabbing the partially empty pack of beer and walking toward Wild Times. Keith watched a fat woman put a squealing child into something that was like a car only bigger and followed Kevin.

  He found Kevin at the iron railing surrounding the party patio.

  “Hop over there and I’ll hand the beer to you,” Kevin said.

  Keith walked down to where there was a gate, opened it, and walked in front of Kevin. Kevin handed him the beer. Keith struggled to climb the railing, nearly ripping his khaki pants in the process.

  Once on the party patio, they noticed the man from last night was there as well.

  They sat at a table, feeling really relaxed. Kevin said, “Damn, we didn’t get any cigarettes.”

  “We could probably go get some. There’s a gas station over there.” He pointed to a gas station at the far end of the parking lot.

  “I don’t want to give up our spot.”

  Kevin walked over to an ashtray and came back with a palmful of butts after a few minutes of rummaging.

  “Look at all these.” He dumped the butts onto the table.

  He found a decent-sized one and patted his pockets. “Did you